Rules to Living at Hellsing Manor
by Loki Rahu Black
Summary: Assiah and Hela have kindly written up these rules, to make sure everyone has an equal chance of survivng. *Somewhere, in the next room, Hela snorts*


**Rules to Living at Hellsing Manor**

Chapter One 

_Character Dialogue Key-_ **Hela,** Assiah, **A** **-** **Alucard,** _S- Seras,_ AA- Alexander Anderson.

 _Rule 1-_ No watching _The Conjuring_ with Alucard. **This, should be -I think-** Of _course_ you do… **Shut up! Anyway, I think this one should be obvious. With the whole hide and clap scene, Alucard now likes to go around, sneak up on even** _ **Veteran**_ **soldiers, and *Clap, Clap*.** Yeah… too many men have shot at Alucard and put a hole in a wall, floor, picture frame, the _picture_ , doors, windows, and I almost lost the First Edition Copy of Bram Stoker's Dracula! I thought that Integra was going to kill me! **Wait; do you mean the First Edition that has Bram's signature?** …Yeah. **Back to the subject, Integra has actually banned us from watching the movie in general, because if we watch it, Alucard** _ **will**_ **find out, and he will phase through walls and ceilings to watch with us.** If you don't believe us, Integra _and_ Alucard will tell you/admit to it. It's pretty awesome actually. Even though we can't tell anybody at school that we watch horror movies with Actual Snark-Lord DRACULA, it is nice to have a secret like that…

 _Rule 2-_ Do NOT let Seras watch _Sinister_ , or _Sinister 2_.  Long story short\- **Too late.** She has really improved in the past few months on her stealth skills. **We didn't even know she was in the room with us…** When Alexander Anderson walked by us, with her trailing in our shadows, she BEGGED HIM to "Fort Knox" our walls with Holy Barriers so Buhghuul couldn't get in. **And he did, too. Alucard was pretty pissed that he couldn't come in our room at night for two weeks, and couldn't figure out why.** After he figured it out, he stayed awake for almost thirty hours before he body-snatched us and locked us in his room. **He said that, "** _ **If Buhghuul wants you, he can damn well TRY. I will rip him to pieces".**_ Lemme unnecessarily abridge this for you- we are under the wing of a very protective Vampire King. **And verrrrryyyy possessive and cuddly. Don't tell him I said that last one.** Last one; what? **Damn straight.**

 _Rule 3-_ No Rough-housing. **Remember that one time-** Where we fought on the third-floor corridor… on the right hand side? **Yep.** What about it? **Integra never had that hole in the wall fixed.** WHAT?! **Nope. She put a painting over it.** Why… didn't she get the hole fixed? **Why do you think?** **A** **-** **Yes, why** _ **do**_ **you think?** ***Rotflmao*** You are of no help to me. **A** **-** **The hole wasn't fixed because of what else occurred in the hallway at that time.** **Remember that I almost punched you in the face, but missed?** Did you punch Pip? **A** **-** ***mumbles*.** Wha…? ***Whispers* I decked Alucard, who was hiding in the wall, watching us. Punched right through and broke his nose really good.** So, that's why you're his new best friend, and taught you how to shoot a gun, amongst other things? **Shh.**

 _Rule 4-_ Don't tell Integra what Alucard has taught us. How long _is_ that list? **.** _S- How long is what list?_ Gah! **The list of things we've been taught while here.** By Alucard. **Naturally.** _S- Ah. I won't tell a soul._ Thank God! **You're welcome.** AA- Hela! This is why- *looks over to find Hela missing*. *Sighs*. She's probably gone to get Alucard. Number One Thing Alucard Taught Us- When Judas Priest comes a'knockin', get Alucard, and a sword.

 _Things That Alucard Has Taught Us- Hela and Assiah_

 _When Judas Priest comes a'knockin', get Alucard, and a sword._

 _Many different threats in: Russian, Romanian, Turkish, Welsh, Arabic, Greek, Swedish, German, Portuguese, and French._

 _Languages: Russian, Romanian, Turkish, Welsh, Arabic, Greek, Swedish, German, Portuguese, and French._

 _Ways to SUBTLEY threaten someone/s: Many._

 _Ways to OUT RIGHT threaten someone/s: Many._

 _How to Shoot a Gun (and NOT a Glock)._

 _How to Shoot a Bow._

 _How to Wield a Sword._

 _How to Throw a Sword._

 _How to Wield a Spear, a Javelin, and a Double-Bladed Sword-Staff._

 _How to Throw a Spear, a Javelin, and a Double-Bladed Sword-Staff._

 _Rule 5-_ Don't make treats involving a Certain Vampire King. At School. **I am not apologizing.** _I_ never said you had to. **Integra did.** Oh. **Duh.** What did you _actually_ do? **I threatened a Turkish boy in a mix of angry Turkish and Romanian.** But, what did you\- **I'm not telling you.** Alucard knows, doesn't he? **Yes. And he is quite proud about it, too.** Oh sugar honey ice tea… ***evil Alucard-like Snark-Lord-in-Training / Cheshire Grin***

 _Rule 6-_ Don't tell the Wild Geese we know French. Therefore, this is redundant. Because with seeing this, the Wild Geese will now know we _can _ speak French. **There goes our eavesdropping for Alucard.** Did we actually _have_ to do that? **Our Sith-Lord Master of Badassery had to know how well we had actually learned from him.** Oh, geez. **Did he not lock us in his closet with a flashlight to make sure we could assemble a gun in the dark and shoot our way out?** -*interrupted before she can begin*- **It is the same concept with different details.**

 _Rule 7-_ Hela and Assiah: When Alucard tells you, to, "Come Here", he's not joking. He does actually want you to, "Come Here". -Integra.

 _Rule 8-_ Integra: We have acknowledged your message through Ruling. We reject your reality, and replace it with our own. - **Hela** _& _ Assiah.

 _Actual, Rule 7-_ When Assiah, Hela, and Alucard are _smiling_ , -HAUL ASS!

 _Actual, Rule 8-_ In Par with _Actual, Rule 7:_ If Assiah, Hela, and Alucard are _laughing,_ - _ **HAUL ASS, IDIOT!**_

 _Rule 9-_ Assiah and Hela have "Xbox Hours". Don't tamper with them during these 180 minutes. **You will die.** And not peacefully. **We** _ **will**_ **sic Alucard on your ass,** and he _will_ psychologically torture your weak little mind until you want to quit, get a therapist, and be committed. **So,** **don't. try. It.**

 _Rule 10-_ No one inside Hellsing Manor may mention Assiah and Hela outside of Hellsing property. Not even Integra has told the Round Table Knights of our existence. **She went straight to the Queen with us.** We met her. **She is very charming.** We like her. **A lot.** So don't threaten her. **We will be on your ass like white on rice on snow in ant-*******-artica.** Alucard won't have any time to rip you a new one for "threatening his Betty", because we will already have been there, and done that. ***THE Smile; mentioned in** _Rule 5_ ***.**

 _Rule 11-_ Assiah and Hela might only be eleven, and girls, but that does not mean they are stupid. **We attend Hogwarts, m'kay?** You know, the school of MAGICK. **Yes, Assiah. Now can you stop ringing bells in my ears?** Oh, sorry. **You know, sometimes I think you forget.**

 _Rule 12-_ After a very shocking revelation, absolutely _**NO-ONE**_ is allowed to know that Assiah and Hela are Alucard's biological daughters.  Your ass will be grass. **I'm a bad influence on you.** You _are_ the younger one. **By seven minutes!** No one cares. **Mum does.** …You… *sighs* -you have a point. **I know.** Arse. **I know.** Sigh.

AN- Fanfiction can be difficult. I had to -very painstakingly for my wrist- re-underline ALL of Assiah's lines. Anyway, this will try to go along with my legit Harry Potter/Hellsing Crossover. I'm only posting this as a _Hellsing_ Fanfiction, as this is all Hellsing. There will be VERY brief mentions of Hogwarts. See Rules 11, and 12. There will be twelve rules a chapter, though with this one, you get fourteen -technically, seeing the whole rule 7 and 8 business. While my "Legitimate Lovechild", as I have called it, will be more serious, there will still be elements of humour. However, this is where all the cracky-ness lies.

 ** _Always Yours, Now and Forevermore,_**

 ** _Loki Rahu Black_**


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